6 Things I Learned From Blowing Up My Marriage (and Life) in My 30s

Four years ago—nine years into my relationship with my then husband—I met the man I knew I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. It was terrifying.

I had built a beautiful life on paper: a seemingly good marriage, a strong community, a thriving career. But behind closed doors, I was aching. Our sex life was nonexistent, aside from checking a box twice a year—just enough for me to pretend nothing was wrong. We were partners in life, but we weren’t lovers, and we weren’t emotionally intimate in the way I longed for.

I ignored the quiet, persistent whisper that asked, Are you sure this is right? I buried it beneath gratitude, creative projects, and hope. I focused on what was working—our friendship, our adventures, our shared values—and tried to convince myself that was enough. Maybe if I just read another self-help book, tried another workshop, or found the right therapist, the passion and feeling of being truly seen would come.

So for a while, I stayed. But when I looked into the eyes of someone else, something in me woke up. Something that the therapy and the excuses and the self-help couldn’t conjure.

Maybe in another life, I thought at first. Quickly that turned into: Why shouldn’t I fully live this one?

Six weeks later, I left my marriage. But more than that, I left the version of me who had spent years abandoning herself to pretend everything was fine.

Sometimes we reach a point where the life we built no longer fits. A job, a relationship, a version of ourselves—we feel the quiet ache of misalignment. And we’re faced with a choice: stay in what’s familiar, or risk everything for a life that’s more beautiful and true.

In my 20s, I blew up my career in tech to pursue a creative path. In my mid-30s, I blew up my marriage to take a chance at big, true love. Now I’m married to the love of my life, raising our 10-month-old son, and doing work that I love.

If you, too, have been quietly wondering, Is this really it?, I want you to know: You’re not alone. And the truth is, it’s never too late to choose something more honest, more true, more you.

Now I imagine your next question is: How exactly does one do all of this? How do you find the courage, the strength, the confidence? So if you’re in the same boat I was four years ago, here are six things I’ve learned about blowing it all up—and rewriting your story.

1. Fear is a compass pointing you toward your most meaningful life.

The moment I met my now-husband, I was terrified. His presence illuminated a truth I was afraid to say aloud: that my marriage was over—and had been for some time. A crossroads appeared before me at once: I could do what was expected of me, or I could follow what felt most true.