Why you won’t catch me at a ‘sober rave’ anytime soon

I know how I sound: cynical, hateful and curmudgeonly. And that’s probably because I am. But there’s something that feels distinctly Westernised and overly earnest about many of these wellness-style sober raves (it’s no surprise that the aforementioned sauna raves were a big thing in New York first). When I look deep into my soul and ask what it is about these sober raves that irks me so, it’s probably because they combine my two least favourite things: organised fun and extraversion, with an indefinable lack of irony smattered over proceedings. Also, what happened to good old-fashioned “hanging with friends” or “going for a coffee” or even, dare I say it, “enjoying a picnic”? Why not just go to a regular party and drink soda water instead? Does being sober mean you have to wear yoga pants?

Despite my arguably quite unfair aversions (I know, I know, nobody is putting a gun to my head and forcing me to a coffee rave), I do actually think there are a few cool-looking sober parties that don’t involve whoop-whooping in bakeries. Last month, Jaipur-based Alchemist Coffee Company joined hands with award-winning non-alcoholic spirit Sober to throw a rave, which basically looked like a regular club night but for sober people. I could also appreciate that it was from 7-10pm instead of going on until an ungodly 4am. I think it’s commendable that plenty of venues have, in recent years, improved their drinks options, so that sober people aren’t forced to chug Coke all night like a six-year-old at a birthday party.

Even so, you probably won’t catch me at a sober rave anytime soon—especially not one which aligns itself with wellness. I’d rather just go to the spa, without the strobe lights, or enjoy a nice relaxing gong bath without being forced to dance “ecstatically” (why are all these dance events so “ecstatic”?). Or reap the benefits of a sauna without being squished between hundreds of glistening bodies booty-shaking in my face on a Sunday afternoon.

It’s, of course, a positive thing that the sober and sober-curious movement appears to be growing, and I think we’ve still got a long way to go towards ensuring that sober people feel included within nightlife spaces. But, please, let’s not do aerobics while mainlining cacao balls before work and call it a rave.