5 signs you’re struggling with abandonment issues—without even realising it

You’ve probably made a joke about showing signs of abandonment issues—blaming them for why you panic when your partner wants one night alone, or why you’re triple-texting someone who’s taking too long to reply. But there’s a difference between being a little needy every now and then and living in a constant state of, “What if everyone leaves me?”

At its core, “abandonment issues stem from a deep-seated, pervasive fear or anxiety about possible rejection or losing somebody,” says Hasti Afkhami, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist at Bustan Therapy certified in trauma therapy. While feelings of abandonment might show up during minor situations, say, your bestie seeming more distant than usual, these reactions often trace back to more foundational experiences. It’s most likely to stem from a past where a parent or caregiver (but also in some cases, a partner or spouse) was unavailable, absent, inconsistent or abusive.

Whatever the cause, these early wounds tend to seep into every relationship (even with those who’ve done nothing to make you question their loyalty). That’s why recognising what abandonment issues actually look like is an important first step in feeling more secure.

Beyond everyday worries or a bit of overthinking, here are the signs to look for.

1. You cling tightly and seek constant reassurance

Even the tiniest bit of perceived distance can be anxiety-inducing for anyone carrying abandonment wounds. So in a desperate effort to hold onto that sense of security, you may exhibit really clingy behaviour—a telltale sign of abandonment issues, says Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, a psychotherapist specialising in trauma and author of Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect.

This isn’t about simply wanting company. “You become overly dependent on others to feel okay,” Gillis explains. “It’s like that wounded inner child is desperate for the love and affection they didn’t get when they were younger,” which explains why you might expect instant text replies or nightly calls to feel secure. Or you may repeatedly ask questions like, “Are you mad at me?” or, “Do you still love me?” the second you detect a slight change in tone. You might even find yourself tagging along to every errand or social event just to avoid being left out—or in your mind, left behind.

2. You base your self-worth on someone else’s actions

People with abandonment issues will usually interpret little, normal shifts—a partner wanting a “guys night,” your favourite coworker cancelling happy hour plans last-second—as evidence they’re no longer loved or wanted, says Ruschelle Khanna, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in New York City.